• ArguingWAristotleTiff
    My fellow thinkers,
    If you have an extra moment of thought or prayer, if you could help me speak to the Heavens above to call my Dad home~
    My heart is breaking as I pray for him to leave.... :broken: :pray:
  • Waya
    How are things now? :worry:
  • ArguingWAristotleTiff
    I appreciate your asking as I have been trying to not bring my fellow 'thinkers' down but I am having really hard time with this. My Dad is still in the hospital with an infection that they have been unable to track down. I asked that my Dad's request to stop all testing was followed but I believe he felt pressure, understandably so, when the Hospital's Social Worker, his Doc, my monster of his 3rd wife and Hospice walk in to talk about it. They have done every test under the moon including one on Sunday that I adamantly opposed which was to have a bone bi-opsy bedside (I couldn't even watch the video after I saw the instrument to be used) but they did it anyway. My Dad knows his name but that is it. When asked if he knows where he is? He says school. Is it day or night? Nothing.....just a blank stare. He has a "feeder" now which is assigned to feed him his meals because he can no longer feed himself in addition to have lost control over his faculties three years ago now.
    They have discontinued his antipsychotic meds that he has been on as long as I have been alive. Not tittering it down, just stopping it on a dime. <shaking my head>
    For what purpose? To what end?

    We get more test results today. We find out the bone biopsy to find out if my Dad of 76 yrs has Leukemia? Bone Cancer? Spinal Meningitis? What fucking difference does it make? Do they really think he is going to make it through Radiation or Chemotherapy? To return to what?
    They discontinued his antibiotics so as top not "mask" the results of tests. In the meantime a week ago his WBC was 18k, IV meds got it down to 14k and now it is back up to 20k which means his body is fighting something.

    It is really, really flippin hard to pray that one of these tests come back positive so he is given a "terminal diagnosis" of which Parkinson's is not and an ability to bring in Hospice which will provide another set of eyes on my Dad as they plan on shipping him back to the nursing home once they get the test results. My Dad's wife is talking my Dad lasting another 4 years.... ??????????

    So I am pondering a lot, having a hard time being alone with my thoughts, feeling lost with all this happening in Chicago with me so far away and damnitr…. its destroying me.
    More than once in the last week I have thought about going to the hospital up the street, just so I can be around people who understand personal times of crisis because I look like a fool crying in public and NicK can only offer so much listening before he is tired of hearing about it.

    And my Mom, my Golden Hospice Angel that walks among us, well I think my leaning on her for guidance about what all these tests mean and my brother needing an explanation as to what Hospice will and won't do for my Dad, her first husband, has gotten to be too much for her and her current husband of the last 30 yrs. Maybe it is just her watching her children go through stress of losing a parent, maybe it is her watching her first husband and our Dad, try to pass to the other side and not being respected. I am not really sure, all I know is that in a time in my life, that I have needed a little bit of good Karma to come my way, it's not arriving.

    Am I being selfish in wishing my Dad a peaceful transition?
  • Baden

    That's torturous and awful all round. I don't think you're being selfish btw. Nor do I think is there any point in punishing yourself further by thinking you might be. You are all suffering more than enough.
  • Posty McPostface

    Best regards to you and your father, however this turns out.
  • Waya
    :worry: That sounds terrible. May the grace of God give you and your family strength to get through this.
  • ArguingWAristotleTiff
    The hardest part is being alone with my thoughts. People's true colors come through. It's easy to be with people in times of joy but in times of what more can be said? The place gets deserted. I just need to be....
  • ArguingWAristotleTiff
    Every silver lining has got a touch of grey
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