I took a break from TPF for a couple of months to work on my philosophy master's thesis at S. Peter Pryor College. Since I've enjoyed the discussions here so much, I thought I'd publish it here first.

The Philosophy of Humor - Master's Thesis by T. Clark

Q: Can God count to infinity?
A: We don’t know yet.

DesCartes and his buddy Frank were sitting at the bar. Frank says “you look really thirsty, Renee.” DesCartes says “I am, therefore I drink?

An objectivist, an idiot, and an asshole walk into a bar. He has two beers and then goes home. Stiffs the bartender for his tip.

An idealist, a linguist, a pragmatist, and Frank are sitting in a bar talking about philosophical stuff. Frank asks, “If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound.” The idealist answers “The ideal sound exists and has always existed.” The linguist says “Define ‘sound.’ Define ‘tree.’ Define ‘forest.’” The pragmatist gets up and starts to walk out. Frank says, “Hey, why are you leaving?” The pragmatist says “I’m going to check.”

A mathematician and a priest are having lunch. The mathematician asks “Can God count to infinity?” The priest says “I’m not sure, I’ll check,” and kneels to pray. After a minute he gets up. The mathematician says “Well?” The priest says “He says I made him lose count.”

Q: How many pragmatists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Why would it take more than one?

An objectivist and a psychopath walk into a bar. A guy comes in, sits down, and says “Hey, aren’t you Ayn Rand?”

Frank, Jesus, and a couple of their friends were sitting around shooting the bull and talking about their fathers. Bill told about the time he came home after curfew one night and his dad took away the car keys for a week. Alice described how her father wouldn’t let her go to a party after he caught her with her boyfriend kissing. Jesus said, “That’s nothing. After I got in a little trouble with the cops in Jerusalem, my dad grounded me for three days. On Easter weekend. Now he makes me sit at his right hand and ‘judge the quick and the dead.’”

Philosophical sayings:

• Gunga Galunga [attributed to the Dali Lama]
• The D’oh that can be spoken is not the eternal D’oh [attributed to Homer]
• Hemlock! Shit! I thought he said eggnog!
• Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to do your laundry.
• I know you are, but what am I. [attributed to P.W. Herman]
• I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
• Jack’s son has the gout. [attributed to my father]
• Beauty is truth, truth beauty. No, wait. Beauty and correspondence with mind-independent external reality are truth, truth beauty and correspondence with mind-independent external reality.

Niels Bohr and Max Planck were in a bar in Denmark. Planck was really drunk. A big guy came in and knocked into him. Planck said “Watch where you’re going, you stupid asshole.” The guy looked at him, perplexed, and shook his head. Bohr said, “wait a minute, he doesn’t speak German.” Then he turned to the man and said “Han sagde ‘se, hvor du går dig dumme røvhul’." The man grabbed Planck by the throat and beat the crap out of him. When Planck woke up he asked, “What happened.” Bohr said “Oh, I just gave him the Copenhagen Interpretation.”

Yo mama is so old, she sat behind Pythagoras in second grade.
Yo Buddha is so fat, his reflection weighs five pounds.
Yo mama is so stupid, she became a Buddhist because she heard that the first of the Four Noble Truths is that all life is surfing.
Yo mama is so fat, she doesn’t have a dress, she has an event horizon.
Yo mama is so stupid, she thinks Immanuel Kant is Superman’s secret identify.

Aristotle and Socrates go over to Plato’s cave to drink some beer. They find him in the back watching shadows on the wall. They see elephants, lions, and heron.
“What’re you watching?”
“Some nature show on PBS.”
“Give me the remote.” Socrates clicks through several channels until he sees men with swords and chariots fighting. “This looks good.”
“Nah, all the History Channel has is reruns.” He grabs the remote back and clicks a few more times. Then there are projections of young men competing in the games - running, wrestling, and throwing the javelin.”
“Ok, porno!”

A different mathematician and a different priest are having lunch at a different restaurant. The mathematician asks “Can God count to infinity?” The priest says “I’m not sure, I’ll check,” and kneels to pray. After a minute he gets up. The mathematician says “Well?” The priest says “God says the integers were easy, but for the real numbers he’s getting help from Bernie Madoff.”

Definitions:

• A priori truth – An assertion I want to be true but that can’t be proven, that I can’t prove, or that I’m too lazy to prove
• Atheism – A philosophical system for explaining to people who don’t believe in God why you don’t either
• Logic – a philosophical method for determining the truth without having to actually know anything
• Common sense – See “A priori truth.”
• Knowledge - There are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns – the ones we don't know we don't know.
• Philosophy – The search for the truth; the meaning of life; the nature of existence; and the definitions of long, obscure words translated from German
• Clarity – Expressing what you mean in a way that makes it obvious you’re wrong
• Self-evident – See “A priori truth.”

Werner Heisenberg was walking down the street when a car pulls over and the driver rolls down his window. The driver says “Excuse me sir, I seem to be lost. Also, do you know what the speed limit is here in town” Heisenberg says “I can tell you where you are, but not what your velocity should be.”

Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb.
A: >= X!2 + (i2 + X)3, where X = 1

Q: DesCartes said “cogito ergo sum.” What did DesCartes’ dog say?
A: Nothing. DesCartes’ dog didn’t speak Latin.

Immanuel Kant and Aristotle are sitting in a bar. Aristotle says, “Hey Immanuel, would you like another beer?” Kant says, “No thanks. I think I’ve had enough. After all, you’ve been dead for more than 2,000 years.”

Somebody else’s jokes:

• Zeno walks halfway into a bar….
• The Buddha is low on cash, so he sets up a hot dog stand. A monk walks up and says “Hey, Gautama, make me one with everything.”
• The Sunday school teacher asked “Can anyone tell me who Joseph was.” One of the kids raises her hand and says “He was Jesus’s stepfather.”
• https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-2gJamguN04

Isaac Newton and Frank were sitting outside under a tree, talking. Suddenly a piece of fruit falls and bounces on the ground. Newton says, “Look, an apple.” Frank says, “No, that’s a fig, Isaac.”

Niels Bohr, Albert Einstein, and Frank are at a gay bar. Bohr sees an attractive young man at the bar. He goes over, talks to him, and gets him to spin around in a circle. Then he starts spinning in the opposite direction. Then they walk together to the bathroom. Fifteen minutes later he comes back, sits back down at the table, and says “quantum entanglement.” A little later, another man comes in. Einstein looks very intently at him for a few minutes until the man walks over, takes him by the hand, and leads him out to the parking lot. A half-hour later, he comes in, sits back down, and says “Spooky action at a distance.” Soon, a third young man comes in. Frank goes over, talks to him, buys him a drink, and they go to the storage room in the back of the bar together. Twenty minutes later he comes back, walks over to the table, sits down, and says “blow job.”

Archimedes is sitting in his bath. He farts, watches the bubbles, and yells “Eureka!, I have found it! Then he runs through the streets of Athens naked yelling “PV = NRT, PV = NRT.”

Niels Bohr dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, he finds Albert Einstein waiting to show him around. After getting the tour, Einstein says, “They have great bars in heaven, let’s go get a drink.” They go into a very nice place. Dark wood, quiet, comfortable. An angel brings them their drinks. After a while, Bohr asks if there is anything more exciting they can do, so Einstein takes him through a door in the back into a very fancy casino. There’s Jesus playing Texas Hold’em with five of his disciples. Judas seems to be winning. At the craps table there’s God himself surrounded by people from all centuries and cultures cheering him on. Dwight Eisenhower, some Neanderthal guy, and Frank are at the roulette table. Bohr says “See Albert, looks like I was right about quantum mechanics.”