By (your friend and mentor) Dr. Col W. F. Gahng:

A dissertation on combating the Hollywood culture of semen (they call it "cum") as espoused by Tom Cruise and other members of the Hollywood cult establishment--who shall heretofore remain unnamed--through covert assault Zen (TM) for the protection of mind and body against life-ruining brainrot and wrist arthritis.

Take your eyes away from the screen and take your hand off your wiener. Congratulations, you have achieved the first goal of covert assault Zen and are now a novice black belt Zen Master.

Do you feel your confidence building and energy flowing back into your body. Yes? I thought so. This is the first step in a life-transforming new method of personal freedom and fighting off the antigens of Tom Cruise (and other unnamed Hollywood cult establishers like John Travolta) in your mental and bodily system.

There is no need to thank me... yet. This is just the beginning. Now that you have proven the Covert Assault Zen (TM) method to yourself, we will take it to the next level.

But first, let's learn some philosophy. The story starts in ancient Greece with that most famous of Greek philosophers, Kant. Like Socrates and Plato before him, Kant looked around the world and saw it in a different way. And he didn't like what he saw.

They had their cumsayers back then too, see. They called them "sophists", wordmongers who twisted the linguistic world into a poisonous pretzel that brainrotted the Greek population and caused the devastating loss to Rome in the Spartan wars.

They were poets and dandies to whom the idea of a real man was as alien as rock solid gonads to a castrated budgie. And the most famous of these sophist poets and Kant's mortal enemy, the Tom Cruise of his time, was Epic Curtis.

Epic Curtis, the great grandfather of c*m, taught that words don't matter, that we should just make them up and enjoy them. This "Conceptual Hedonism" as it was called took root among the decadent population of Greece who were living off the spoils of Alexandrian conquests. Soon, it was a free for all of creative invention to the point where even mutual comprehension was considered passe.

A harmless fad you may think... Until, that is, it spread to the army of the Great Alexander whose commanders no longer able to efficiently communicate with their increasingly Epicurtean soldiers succumbed to the more erudite Roman hordes of Sparta.

Kant, devastated by this humiliating national loss, fought back, realizing that to combat this proliferation of conceptualization, it had to be delimited and undermined. And so he invented the Noumenon, a space beyond the perception / conception dichotomy that relegated it to a world of appearances while claiming the crown of fundamental reality for itself. It is, not to put too fine a point on it, the space of 'STFU' that was desperately needed then and is ever more needed now.

Yes, Kant defeated Epic Curtis in the philosophy wars and ancient Greece flourished once more. Pretenders rose and fell over time--the French Curtiseans were for a time in vogue as were other schools of neo-Epicurteans--but Kant held sway. Held sway for many years.

That is, until now. Through Hollywood and the philosophical fineagling of Cruise, Travolta and their cult minions, Epicurteanism is making a comeback. Words are again proliferating and brainrotting, and our civilization lies on the precipice.

We need a super human effort to save the world and that is what Covert Assault Zen (TM) is. It is time to STFU in the face of words in order to defeat them. To stop listening. To stop being the vessels of their filthy reproduction. To meet them with silence. To, the next time a poet or Hollywood foolosopher, throws a library at you, respond with a burp, a fart, or a nonchalant smile, all the while while holding your hands over your ears and shouting LALALALALA (or the chant of your preference--we're flexible on that here).

So friends, Grecians, countrymen, we are at the beginning of a journey to save humankind and I will need volunteers, I will need the committed, I will need the brave, I will need you... To visit my website theycallitcum.org, sign up for my email list, and be ready for further actions to save the world.

Tom and John may think we are beaten, may laugh at us, and at Kant, but we have a more powerful weapon than they have ever dreamed of: silence, the ineffable, and the infinite power therein that transcends space and time and makes us truly superhuman.

Please leave your comments below. I will offer words to those most worthy of my indulgence. To the Epicurteans, do not expect anything other than a mirror of your own oblivion.

Thank you,

Your mentor and friend,

Dr. Col W. F. Gahng, Covert Assault Zen (TM) Master, personal guru to the admin team, and all round good egg.