I'm aware that this question might veer on the side of stupid and overly self-involved. It might not belong on a philosophy forum. Thank you for reading. Delete if not appropraite.

I'm questioning my existence. Not in a suicidal way. In a philosophical way -- maybe in a pragmatic way. I want to learn or know how live life when I have egoic,distorted, or limiting ways of viewing life.

Maybe it's too much technology or too much information overload. Maybe it's a lack of community. But lately "my life" feels empty and I need to do something or think differently about living. Perhaps because I think there is no need for meaning in life I am growing more apathetic.

Current state of affairs:

1. I'm in the middle range of intelligence. It's hard to find people who are on my level. Either they are too smart or too dumb. I'm aware that this is ego or a defense mechanism. I want to be more "sophisticated" in my thinking and knowledge. I know intelligence is pretty much fixed and there isn't much I can do about it, still I long to be more wise.

2. I enjoy reading about other people's lives. Not celebrities -- I prefer memoirs about "regular" people, novels and essays. I have been a "seeker" for much of my adult life. I have been on spiritual paths. Currently the path has stopped and I feel stuck is some sort of limbo of not feeling smart enough for life and thinking people all around me are too dumb. I know this is ego -- maybe I want to feel unique. How I think about things are making me miserable. I stopped seeking which is good. There is no need to seek when you already know. I think I "know" but my thinking has been getting in the way lately.

3. I don't have much of a life. I have no "passions". I question whether if activities are worth doing. I don't have much interest in creative outlets. I have no hobbies at the moment other than reading. I used to do a lot of exercise. Maybe my lack of exercise of late is making me depressed. I'm tired of thinking about my body and how to make it look better. I question if my hobbies are done out of sheer enjoyment or some kind of seeking behavior in order to improve.

4. I don't talk about "my life" with people. I find it's boring to discuss myself. I have a hate-hate relationship with social media. I have Facebook but I haven't posted in years. I find posting anything about myself is boring or self-involved.

5. I have an aversion to a lot of people. If I see a hint of cruelty, mean-spiritedness, racism, moralizing, or anything I deem rude, crude, or shallow, I cut them from my list of potential friends and avoid. I will be cordial if they are acquaintances or coworkers. Still, I would never share anything about my life.

6. I have very few friends or people I trust or like. I have a hard time connecting with people. I have a hard time with vulnerability. I have a hard time with inviting anyone to do anything. I probably fear rejection. I fear that I'm bothering people or my proposed activity is boring. I realize it's rude not to return invitations and I have lost friends this way. Friends don't hear from me. I have had friend groups and communities before (running clubs, yoga, work, hobbies) but I always find excuses not to connect or stick around. I end up thinking people are too shallow, too religious, too crazy. I do have a handful of close friends (they are mostly friends from childhood) and a spouse who is wonderful.

7. Conversely, I can be very open and accepting of people who are patients or clients or people I don't know well. I see their humanity. I have acceptance that people, including myself, are flawed. They deserve my care and attention. I approach with love and non-judgment. I have no antagonism or agenda. Maybe it's because these people are not in my daily life. Our encounters are short.

8. I have negative feelings surrounding striving or trying to improve myself. I question my motives. I would like to do things for the sake of pure enjoyment and sometimes I do -- bake, cook, walk, yoga, watching movies, reading, but lately I think about how depressed I am (not sad, not self-loathing, not anxious, but apathetic). What is the point of doing anything? In my younger years I did things in order to enhance myself and only felt worse.

Thanks for reading all of this self-involved mess. What is my problem and have you felt this way before? How to view life differently and with more enjoyment?