Perhaps I was too exposed to Wittgenstein and "ordinary language philosophers" like J.L. Austin in my younger days, or am myself merely ordinary, but I'm inclined to define "love" as I think we typically do, as we use the word in context; as a noun or a verb, depending on the circumstances. So, I'm inclined to say that when I love someone I have a profound affection for them, for example, or a romantic attachment to them. I may have both for the same person, or I may not. I don't see these uses of the word as artificial, but rather think that uses of the word which substantially differ from them are misuses of the word and language, which may as lovely, lovely Ludwig W used to say, lead to the bewitchment of our intelligence. — Ciceronianus the White
A person who has not been completely alienated, who has remained sensitive and able to feel, who has not lost the sense of dignity, who is not yet "for sale", who can still suffer over the suffering of others, who has not acquired fully the having mode of existence - briefly, a person who has remained a person and not become a thing - cannot help feeling lonely, powerless, isolated in present-day society. He cannot help doubting himself and his own convictions, if not his sanity. He cannot help suffering, even though he can experience moments of joy and clarity that are absent in the life of his "normal" contemporaries. Not rarely will he suffer from neurosis that results from the situation of a sane man living in an insane society, rather than that of the more conventional neurosis of a sick man trying to adapt himself to a sick society. In the process of going further in his analysis, i.e. of growing to greater independence and productivity, his neurotic symptoms will cure themselves.
Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.
So we observe it as ‘romantic love’ when our inner conditions strongly suggest this: sexual attraction, compatibility of genetics, interests, ideologies, life paths, etc. All of these strengthen our awareness of this interconnectedness - but it is concentrated between two actual entities. We are more convinced of this particular pocket of interconnectedness, the more physiological and psychological evidence we experience, and those around us also notice its impact on our outward demeanour and our actions. — Possibility
I don’t think it helps to expect anyone to show love on the basis of genetics, ideological affinity or physical attraction. Just as there are many children born to parents who fail to ‘love’ them, so many children are raised in a loving bond that has nothing to do with genetics, and also children adopted or switched at birth can form a bond just as strong or even stronger with non-biological parents.
It certainly suggests that while parental love can be enhanced by genetics, this may have more to do with awareness than any actual connection. — Possibility
As for romantic love, I think the parameters we set for what this type of love ‘looks’ like, and the belief that we are obliged to find one person who best fits these particular parameters, prevent us from being open to love in all its forms. Personally, I think romantic love is a myth - if we work to free the concept of love from the parameters of sexual attraction, and likewise free sexual attraction from the parameters of ‘romantic love’, we recognise that sexual attraction really has nothing to with love as an awareness or deep feeling of interconnectedness - all it does is enhance our awareness or feeling in certain circumstances. — Possibility
I get the sense that we all have the capacity to love and be loved with the intensity of a mother and child bond in all circumstances. The apparent ‘distribution’ of this love perhaps comes down to the boundaries, structures and distances that have helped us to make sense of, control and feel safe in society and the universe in general. When we have the courage to dismantle these and to be aware of interconnectedness beyond them, then perhaps we may find love in unexpected places... — Possibility
You either misinterpreted what I meant or you are creating a strawman, as I never mentioned genetics as a result of bad parenting situations and foster care. I was simply stating that it is a fact that some set of people will not experience "love" from a parental figure the way others might. That was it. My argument had nothing to do with whether someone was raised by genetic parents or not. — schopenhauer1
I'd say this is a case of "moving the goal posts". I can certainly point to a phenomenon called "romantic love" and I can identify its traits. In fact, you described the feelings associated with this phenomenon quite well. But it seems that to counter my claim, you denied the importance of romantic love all together when it seems to be a very powerful force in the human psyche. — schopenhauer1
Perhaps ‘myth’ is not the right word - I think your use of ‘phenomenon’ and ‘experience’ is closer than your previous suggestion that there is ‘true romantic love’ out there that we either have and keep, or we don’t. I’m not saying the phenomenon of ‘romantic love’ doesn’t exist in subjective experience - I experience this phenomenon myself within a marriage of more than 20 years, which I guess makes me one of the lucky ones. But I think it’s false or even misleading for me to claim that I ‘have’ romantic love at any point. — Possibility
It’s a bit like the concept of energy. We know it exists because we observe or experience evidence of change. But we can’t see it, and we can’t say what it really is. So we talk about it in terms of the physical evidence it leaves behind: kinetic, thermal, etc.
In my experience, at the base of all love is the awareness that one’s unique potential and capacity for life is greater for being intertwined with another (and vice versa). This is the source of romantic as well as parental and familial love, deep friendship, tribal, community, humanity, etc. — Possibility
After examining my past relationships, I recognised that the problem was with protective boundaries and limitations I had formed around sexual attraction since childhood. Recognising and dismantling these boundaries was scary and required not only facing some dark, painful truths, but also sharing them with someone who thought they knew me already. It was, and continues to be, well worth the effort.
So I would say that romantic/pragmatic love definitely seems more trouble than most people are willing to face these days. This is partly because we have a long way to travel from our experience of individuality, independence and profound disconnect with the universe, and partly because we can experience one side without the other and in it fail to see the deeper love that each experience of sexual attraction or life compatibility is leading us towards.
But the sum is definitely greater than its parts, and being open to experiencing that deeper sense of interconnection is worth more than any effort you can put in, more than any fear you have to face or any experience of pain, loss or humiliation - in my experience, anyway. — Possibility
I think the main contributor to this ‘suffering’ or feeling ‘worse off’ is the unrealistic expectation that this ‘magical’ experience will somehow be free from associated experiences of pain, loss or humility, or will be some kind of antidote to counteract these ‘negative’ experiences. — Possibility
I see it as a shared goal that you and your partner are constantly striving to work towards. — Gord
But do you see that you are not really countering my argument but strengthening it here? Overall, love is a bitch, if you will.... I don't see the need for people to pump their fist in the air and try to defy the gods by suffering through life experiences as if life is one's own work of art that one embraces through the catharsis of one's own suffering. Rather, I see no need to make anyone suffer through life in the first place. — schopenhauer1
But anyways, I still think it is a telling thing about life that this seemingly basic need of the human- to at least connect with one human in a meaningful way, is so difficult in the first place. It is precisely this elusive nature of this basic need that I am examining here... — schopenhauer1
Also, just to add, I see romantic/pragmatic love as more basic than traveling the world or other cultural forms of entertainment. I see it as more fundamental in our psyche (on a species/animal level) as a social animal that craves deep connection with at least one other person in ways that are different than other loves that might be obtained in life (philial, agape, etc.). — schopenhauer1
Pain, after all, is simply awareness that energy/effort/attention is required to adjust to change. Loss or lack is awareness that everything is a process and nothing lasts - that we are dissipative structures who must continually assimilate from the universe and let go of elements of ourselves in order to perpetuate our existence. And humility is awareness that in isolation we are fragile creatures, utterly dependent on our relationships with the universe in order to have any power in it at all. — Possibility
None of this is so terrible in itself - it is what it is. It’s only ‘suffering’ when we refuse to accept it, when we misunderstand or are led to believe that life should exist without pain, loss or humility. Or that life shouldn’t exist because of the pain, loss and humility that inevitably comes with it. We’ve been led to believe that some things should last forever, that who or what we are essentially shouldn’t change, and that we should strive to be the most independent, most powerful and most loved. — Possibility
Whenever we deny that pain, loss and humility are a necessary part of life, we perceive the experience as ‘suffering’. And we hide from it. This is what we’ve done with our self-awareness - we have run for cover. And we’ve wasted almost the entire history of humanity so far ‘suffering’ from fear and misunderstanding, striving to avoid pain, loss and humiliation by pushing it onto others - which contributes to more ‘suffering’, and so the vicious cycle continues to escalate and radiate outwards. — Possibility
So does that mean life itself is the ‘evil’ we need to eradicate? Or does it mean that there’s something wrong with our concept of ‘evil’ - that we should be doing something other than trying to eliminate pain, loss and humility from the world? — Possibility
I can’t eliminate your experience of ‘suffering’, but I could pity you, perpetuating the illusion that your experience makes you different to me because you suffer, whereas apparently I have a life without pain, loss or humility (at least by comparison), OR I can interact with you in a way that demonstrates how much I also recognise pain, loss and humility as fundamental to my own experience as a human being. This is compassion, literally translated as ‘suffering with’. And I think it’s the first step towards discovering what ‘love’ is, at its core. — Possibility
I think maybe what makes it so difficult is that most people don’t really understand what this ‘basic need’ is. It isn’t ‘romantic/pragmatic love’ that we need - that’s just how we’d prefer to have this need met as human beings. We prefer romantic/pragmatic love because it’s always been the easiest form of love to legitimise - I can accumulate proof that I am loved by a real person in a visible way, and this love promises to last. I have a ring on my finger, a signed legal document and witnesses to our solemn vows. I also have two children who can be genetically traced back to a physical ‘union’, and a real person to stand beside me as a physical comfort, support and witness to key moments in my life. Romantic/pragmatic love not only satisfies a deep, spiritual connection, but it also provides objective, material evidence of its existence - evidence that cannot be produced in such ‘lasting’ abundance by any other form of love. — Possibility
The more our modern lives are built around digital and wireless connection, the less we connect with people physically. It’s no wonder the elusiveness of romantic/pragmatic love is felt as a source of ‘suffering’. But I think it is more the physical, material proof of love that eludes us, and causes us to doubt its existence. Because as much as my love is legitimised for outside observers in all the physical evidence described above, it is only the subjective experience of deep, spiritual connection that constitutes love. Everything else is an imperfect and transient expression. If I lose my ring or the signed document, if death comes to these witnesses or to my children, if this person loses their life or their ability to witness or provide physical comfort or support in my life, then have I ‘lost’ that love? I would say no - but when these things do happen it can certainly feel like it, because we will have lost a key material proof of that love, even as the connection continues to exist. — Possibility
What you see as fundamental on a species/animal level in romantic/pragmatic love I see partly as the urge to procreate - and I realise that you don’t recognise it as such right now, but our physiological responses are nevertheless informed by the systematic assimilation from the universe and letting go of elements of ourselves in order to perpetuate our existence. For you, it may be more associated with forming relationships with the universe for the purpose of functionality. It feels so fundamental because it links basic physiological responses on the surface not only with this systematic awareness but with an even deeper connection at a sub-atomic level. I often refer to this as a ‘spiritual’ connection, although I’m conscious of the connotations this term may bring. And this connection exists whether or not we’re aware of it. It informs all ‘other loves’ that might be experienced (not obtained), as well as our sense of wonder about the universe, our courage to experience more from life and our reverence for the overwhelming potential of our interactions with the universe.
I believe that we’re connected to the entire universe in a deeper and more fundamental way than we may ever fully realise, but we’re often hampered from recognising this by fear and misinformation about pain, loss and humility - and about love. — Possibility
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