This issue bothers me in two ways:

1. LGBT people who commit suicide because of far-right fundamentalist condemnation.
2. Negative religious paradigm's causing otherwise heterosexual dysfunction.

Take for example Madonna. She was raised Catholic and saw the dysfunction there relative to masturbation (the need to celebrate oneself). And in her prime, she also went out of her way in making her point about the similar need for human's to talk about their own sexuality. It was arguably the most outlandish rebellion against sexual dysfunction at that time. And it was a good thing.

So don't feel repressed or guilty or any of that other emotional dysfunctional crap. Celebrating oneself is just the intrinsic need to procreate. Normal and healthy to do so... .

(Obviously spending too much time celebrating can be a bad thing.)

The general question I suppose is why I have this weird conviction or premonition which is nearly supernatural based when I am usually very rational minded and logical (although I suffer from anxiety in general). No amount of reason has affected my fear and repression. This might relate to anyone leaving a strict religious experience behind and still feeling paranoid about the strictures they no longer believe. — Andrew4Handel

You are suffering from an unresolved cognitive dissonance, in which the conscience is participating, that empowers the conviction to feel "supernatural" - it isn't coming from your logic.

I found the pleasure I got from self pleasure was conflicting with my religious beliefs in a way because the religion was so forbidding but this was like free pleasure. — Andrew4Handel

So the religion has been the environment wherein your conscience has formed, having adopted core values and attitudes reflecting the culture that you naturally aspired to as the child.

I left Christianity and stopped believing in it. I became atheist then agnostic. But I have never recovered from my "superstitious" or paranoid attitude towards sexual release. — Andrew4Handel

.. and there will be other residues of your faith, too, that remain with you, despite that you have been driven beyond accepting the ideologies that conflict with your better sense.

I think I would feel less guilty having sexual experiences mutually and in a loving relationship. — Andrew4Handel

Of course, that is the natural way to express love, to allow them into that private place that everyone knows is off-limits. In fact, the natural purpose of sex without any social indoctrination, produces the hesitancy that you describe wrestling with.

sometimes I find an exquisite attraction to a person you find beautiful/handsome/lustful can be very painful and unfulfilled desires can make one consider death. But I don't know how widespread this is. — Andrew4Handel

Just keep in mind that it is only possible because of discontentment.

What I was interested in here though is analyzing the nature of what seems irrational and superstitious and why I have just this one superstition and no others. — Andrew4Handel

With what you have said about your preference for men, it seems that there is a great potential to lead you into a severe addiction if the exploit is successful. I said severe, because it would become a potent wedge between yourself and God if you were to casually expect it as a natural right. Also, it is important to notice that the punishment for offences has the fingerprint of the adversary, that counts toward developing your disgust of what you believe the character of God to be. If they can succeed in getting you to think "God is cruel because He punishes me for doing the thing that He made me to do naturally", then you become the embittered anti-Christian who, having such a rich knowledge of scripture, can do much harm in the world. You might consider 1 John 4:18.

people still claim religion is the solution — Andrew4Handel

You know, religion is the problem when it says things that aren't true as though they are true, and then come to oppose the truth in the name of God. But Jesus said that it is the truth that would set us free, and to be set free from what? .. the blind ignorance of the truth, precisely! (But the human problem is a human problem, and religion is merely a symptom of, and instrument for, that problem).

I am a supporter of medication however but I don't know if there is a pill to banish paranoia and guilt. — Andrew4Handel

There can be, but it will come at a cost (whereby other problems will creep in), and it isn't a guaranteed solution anyway. As with any mental illness, it is a combination of environment and philosophy that produces a discomfort that ultimately is unacceptable. The solutions are found sometimes by removing the environmental harms (such as bad friends, bad tv, games, porn, drugs etc), so that the environment then supports healthy mentality to grow - or, if the mentality is not producing acceptable results from an environment that it should be able to do so in, then the way of thinking needs to be adjusted, by identifying the values, expectations, attitudes etc that empower the erroneous interpretation (iow, "counselling"). Medication is prescribed in hope that the brain's chemical environment will support it to function in a specific way that subdues the undesired symptoms, but they really do not understand what makes the way of thinking change in a person, because that is spiritual.

I think we as people and societies probably don't know what the source of our sexual dynamics is and how much of it is cultural or subconscious or inherited from religion or caused by capitalist commodification etc — Andrew4Handel

I oppose saying such things. You only need to look at children to see how pliable they are, and that society forms them, through various means, to develop tastes and then to cling to their identity through instruments of ridicule or wrath, invoking pride. You were 14 when you became aware of it, but if you look further back you will remember things people said that exercised your thinking to explore and draw conclusions that became axiomatic to your decisions in later explorations.

Well, it's interesting to see you discussing things so openly!