• Ilya B Shambat
    194
    I am writing here about a game that I have seen played by many people in a number of situations.

    The partner – typically the man, although sometimes this is done by women – decides that the other partner is a bad person. This justifies him in treating her like dirt. Why is this a game?

    Quite simply because, if the partner really was a bad person, then one couldn't wait to leave her. But not only do people in such situations not leave, but they do what they can to keep the partner from leaving.

    That is because, whatever they think about the partner's character, they are getting things out of the relationships. They get companionship. They get sex. They get children. They get a clean house. They get another source of income or in some cases the only source of income. Their belief that the partner is bad justifies them in not only failing to reward the partner for what they are getting from her, but to treat her like dirt even as he does what he can to keep the partner from leaving.

    What we are getting here, really, is theft. One gets many things out of the relationship without rewarding the partner for what he gets from her. And thieves have no business using moral arguments.

    I want more people to see through this kind of behavior. Once again, if the partner really was bad, then one could not wait to leave her. That they instead choose to stay in the relationship is because thye are getting things out of the relationship. And if you get things out of the relationship, you better reward the partner for what you are getting from her. Anything else is a game and a theft.

    If you are at the receiving end of this kind of behavior: See through it. If the partner starts using moral arguments, turn it around on them and show them that what they are doing is a game and a theft. For as long as they are getting things out of the relationship they are obligated to behave rightfully; and if they truly think that you are a bad person, invite them to leave.
  • BC
    13.6k
    It seems like some people are often in zero-profit / minimal loss relationships. No body is having a very good, time, and nobody is being beaten up or murdered. Neither the benefits nor the costs quite exceed the other. It's a draw.

    There are reasons: One party likes having someone to blame, the other party feels they deserve the blame. Alcohol quite often figures into this, even if only one of the two is alcoholic. It is sometimes hard to balance things out, because the benefits in one area, and costs in another don't have a connection.

    All this crap can exist in any relationship--gay straight or otherwise.

    Why do people put up with meager maximum rewards?

    One reason is the value of having "a relationship". Better to be in a crappy one than be without any. Loneliness can be very unpleasant. Relationships garner a certain amount of status.

    People who are reasonably healthy and reasonably strong (referencing psychological traits here) will generally leave these relationships in time. If they are not reasonably strong and healthy, they may stay in the relationship for a long time.

    People on both sides of these unappealing relationships, may not be aware of what they are doing, When both people are trapped in a kind of solipsistic habit of just seeing the world from their own narrow perspective, they aren't able to make a good judgement about their own behavior. Our capacity to persist in unproductive behavior is really quite remarkable. Even very bright people, even those with excellent social and observational skills, can miss the fact of their solipsistic POV.
  • I like sushi
    4.9k
    Addiction to drama - biologically speaking there are certain neuro-chemical kicks that people become habituated to seeking out.

    I do believe that when people lash out in such a fashion they are, for the most part, projecting their own personal misgivings onto others in order to combat them in a more tangible form - if this is recognised it can forestall the situation for long enough to back out (but we’re so fallible and painful that we tend to fail and perpetuate suffering). There is also the delusion that things were once better and/or that they could be the same again.

    When it comes to close relationships it seems to me they are sustained upon a commonly shared dream; a longing for the impossible that teases us into believing it can be manifest in resemblance or another in day-to-day living.
bold
italic
underline
strike
code
quote
ulist
image
url
mention
reveal
youtube
tweet
Add a Comment