Trying to doubt my doubts, to conquer them. Wrote this, to see their nature. Plot is fictional, grammar is wrong a bit.

Age of Doubt, or Faked Love: Short Story about Modern Life
I loved her, I really did. But then, you know, you could find many possible explanations, that happened: there was no more love in me to her. Why do I stay? Because I remember how I loved you; because that was pleasant. Maybe it will return? So I can state: I love to love her. That is why I am still here.
Later, I found, that I do not love to love anymore. Too hard, time-consuming, I kind of got depressed. But wait a minute... I can love to love to love her.
After decades, I see that this chain has hundreds of "loves" in it. But i should be true, everything is correct mathematically... right? Because why I am so sad inside?
Maybe, there was a mistake in calculations? Maybe, love is not binary thing? I mean not like this: 1 - I love, 0 - I do not. What about 0.5, 0.35, 0.78? Yeah, this theory makes sense, it sounds more realistic, more detailed. 0 is total absence of love, 0.5 means that my ego and you have the same probabilities to get control over my mind in situation of choice, 1 is pure love.
I've never had zero, proof is that I am here. Did I always have ones? Huge doubt. Did I ever have pure love? I doubt it.
So, we have series of fractions and (possibly) ones. One multiplied by one is one. One multiplied by fraction is this fraction. Fraction A multiplied by fraction B is fraction less than each of A and B. Even if A equals B...
Love line reduces, not accidentally.
Now, I see why my current love is almost zero. But it is not exactly zero, maybe never be. Should I bet on it? Do calculations matter? I am mathematician, but is my "love" to math and digits more important than 0,0001 of Love to her? Different loves. Does my suffering matter? Or maybe, I am just afraid of unknown?
And what about she?
She never loved me. And she is not mathematician. It was just a smart contract between us. But why she continues this? Fear? Are we afraid to hurt feelings? Of whom? Don't we do it already, but cannot face it because of weakness?
I hate doubts, but I have them.
And when I finished this meditation, I've seen that my love is 0. Zero that destroyed series of numbers, which defined my life. Destroyed my life?
And, if I even had love before, it wasn't fruitful at all, and is dead now. So, is that adequate to definition of love? So, did I have love at all? Do I have past? Did I live at all?
I left her. Bravery or foolishness? I see it as first thing.
Will I get new life ever, real one?
You know, math experience shows that I can find path to truth. And then I will not be in need of such overthinking. But will I find real love?
For now, I have no answer, just secret hope.
I believe, I'll be there.

Or no? Gosh, again.