I am new to the forum. I just discovered your post and THANK YOU! Thank you for sharing this. I am definitely as excited as you are about this :)

Take care.

This was a good reminder to examine why we are criticizing someone. The criticism in question may not be helpful. Examining the "why" is, I believe, just as important to maintain social ties as it is to protect ourselves and our various communities (family, support network, social network, religious community, etc.).

For me, I have been quite frustrated with people I know being out and about without masks, and basically ignoring all of the hygiene and social distancing recommendations. It's as if it's too much of a damper on their social life, or too much of a hassle, so they are just ignoring everything. One person said it's not "real" to her because she doesn't know anyone who has died from COVID-19. I do not openly criticize them and I politely decline their social invitations. But believe me, I am critical of their actions.

If I review your post, I can agree that my criticism of these people probably falls into the category of fearing they might inflict damage to me, namely, infect me or someone else I know, with the virus. It would be extremely frustrating to learn it happened because of their irresponsibility.

That being said, in this example there is also a component of me thinking I am acting more morally, superior in character to them, that they are not doing "the right thing". This may be vanity.

I have a friend who thinks she knows best, who is a very black and white thinker, and she believes her way is the only right way to do things. She is constantly judging everyone against her own ideas, and you can feel it. She does not hide her opinion. I see her alienating people over and over again. Her social circle is constantly changing. As social beings, isn't this doing her more harm than good?

Her reasons may be one or many of the ones you've cited, but I feel there can simply be the attitude of superiority, and it does not need to go beyond that. A vanity, or close-mindedness.

Thank you for the engaging topic!

"I think that sounds wonderful Mom," — Philosophim

This comment from Philosophim is helpful because it made me realize the most virtuous choice may be neither the lie nor the truth. It really depends what is at stake. The fact he's not telling his mother the truth about his atheist point of view doesn't mean he is lying to her.

Your example of your friend being inappropriately dressed for a job interview is helpful because it illustrates that, often, there is an easy answer. There is too much at stake for her, for you not to tell her the truth. (Or, then again, maybe you know the job is a bad one, so you let her go dressed inappropriately hoping she won't be offered the position!)

Perhaps a real dilemma could be your friend asking you how the golf trip was with his/her partner, when you realize the partner used you as an alibi for an affair. How do you answer? This may be a simple answer for some people. But there is a real dilemma, knowing you will cause pain either way.

To me, innocuous lies do not seem worth the trouble. The dilemma must be between the truth that may cause distress, or a lie that may cause harm. Otherwise, the question is too easy to answer. An innocuous lie, by definition, won't cause any harm. The decision between the harmful lie and the distressing truth is an important question people often grapple with. It comes up often, particularly with people you care about.

The decision to tell a harmful lie or the distressing truth can change from situation to situation. A lot of people may say, "give me the cold, hard truth", but others may be too fragile to hear the truth, perhaps at that particular time in their life (regardless of what they may tell you...perhaps they are lying to themselves about their ability to handle the truth).

I see this dilemma as having multiple factors. First, you cannot know for certain what is better for the person, either in the short term or the long term. The truth may cause short term pain, but may be of benefit to the person in the long run. Or perhaps the person may not be able to get over the truth, causing long term distress. The decision should not be made lightly.

Second, it depends on what the truth or lie is about. The more serious the topic, the more important it is to weigh the pros and cons of each option. Lies may cause unforeseen harm to a person, because you cannot know all aspects of their life or their beliefs about themselves. If telling the lie might cause temporary or ongoing harm to the person, more so than the truth, isn't it your moral duty to tell the truth? Even if the person may not be willing or capable of receiving it? Then again, see my first factor.

Third, don't discount some middle ground. A temporary lie followed by the truth when it may be more beneficial, or more helpfully received, is an option. Of course, you do risk having the person upset with you for lying in the first place, but hopefully they will understand your explanation.

Dussias, I support what you are getting at with respect to the self interest component...it is much easier to get someone to buy into, or agree, or be persuaded, if there is clearly something for them to gain (or some negative outcome to be avoided).

However, I think this may be a bit oversimplified. What about the person who you are able to persuade that something against their interests is the right thing to do? For example, convincing a person who committed a very bad crime to turn themselves in.

Or the person who is persuaded to testify against someone even though their life is at risk? I suppose you could argue doing the right thing is more important to the person than the negative outcomes, and is therefore in their self-interest? That may be difficult to agree with if the person is then murdered.

People do the things in both of these examples.

Or what about convincing a person they should lie, against their strong belief lying is bad, in order to save someone's life?

If what you are seeking to do is persuade or to win someone over with rhetoric, I believe each situation must be examined contextually. It may not simply be a matter of something that will help them survive.

You did a very good job of articulating how I feel! I thought something similar about the election Trump won... I felt like I was living in a bad dream.