.

It depends on the person. But I would guess that the majority of people who have someone that relies on them sees that as an opportunity for exploitation. I've seen a lot of that in my years. Again, depends on the person. I think women are especially vulnerable to this type of exploitation.

or fear some health or other sort of calamity will deplete their assets — Joshs

I think that's definitely in play here.

Question it based on what? — Possibility

I guess I'm making an inference. If the person's inclination is to not repay someone for their kindness, then it's possible they lack the kindness to otherwise give their resources.

I don’t think you can really be upset that they didn’t see it as a favour to be reciprocated, when you worked so hard to avoid it being taken as such. — Possibility

Right, but fundamentally a favor was done. Regardless of how it was presented, I don't understand how someone couldn't see it as such.

If it was a favour, then I think you need to be honest with yourself about that - and acknowledge that you gave them the wrong impression. — Possibility

Maybe so. Thank you for your thoughts.

Another possibility is shame. If the person feels ashamed of asking for help — baker

But then again, repaying (although not asked to do so) would assuage that feeling.

Like others have said, there is the sense of entitlement, as a cause for not reciprocating. — baker

Could be, although I don't know where that sense of entitlement would come from. Seems illogical, but we're talking about people here.

Maybe someone on your side of the family did something wrong to someone on their side of the family — baker

Definitely, in some cases. In this case however, there is only one side of the family.

Thank you for your thoughts.

So for years you have been humiliating this person by waiting for them to abase themselves by asking for your charity and then giving it as though it was nothing to you when it was vital to them. — unenlightened

Good grief. Yeah, you nailed it, that's what I've been doing.

And now the boot is on the other foot and you will not humble yourself by asking for help. — unenlightened

Never said I wouldn't.

Sorry, what was the question, again? Human nature? — unenlightened

Indeed.

So, then, you do not have the quality of friendship you expected right? — javi2541997

It would appear so.

Your story should be adapted into an Agatha Christie murder mystery featuring the Belgian detective Hercule Poirot. As far as I can tell, it has all the right ingredients for a psychological thriller, something Poirot delights in - a little problem for his gray cells to feed on! — Agent Smith

Oh, and it gets better, or worse. There's more to this story. Just going to leave it here for now.

Despite the fact you were expecting from your friend a help to repair the windmill, I think he was not obliged to because (supposedly) you helped him for free. — javi2541997

Certainly not obliged but wouldn't a friend do so anyway?

Interacting with people is just like, say, playing guitar. — Garrett Travers

Great analogy. I'm careful of how I interact with the people I care about. I'm not as flippant as I used to be. It's not always about me, me, me. I think how what I say might affect them before I say something. Sometimes things need to be said however, someone's got to be the pack leader and keep things in check. Other times, it's better to just not say a word. Knowing when to say something and not say something is key.

Except my coworkers. I'll say anything to those assholes. Lazy POSs.

it would not be unreasonable to expect at least a gesture of reciprocity — Bitter Crank

It's obvious that reciprocity of some sort would be the appropriate thing to do. — Bitter Crank

I think it perfectly normal for you to be troubled by his lack of reciprocity. — Bitter Crank

Thank you for the kind words. You provided a really good description of how I feel.

You weren't sharing your money with that person really free. You were expecting something afterwards. — javi2541997

Well no. I say that because the windfall was unexpected. I was giving the money long before this never expecting to be repaid. Maybe I wasn't clear about that.

1. Probably you not have the right to ask for because supposedly you gave that money for free.
2. But you expect from your friend being more ethical and then the principle of reciprocity despite you are not connected to him with an agreement. — javi2541997

Strictly ethically speaking, I agree with your two points 100%.

Have you actually asked them for money? — Possibility

No, I haven't. I've always believed that if I did that they would give. But now I'm starting to question that supposition.

because of the power differential it established between you. That differential has switched, and that’s what bothers you. — Possibility

Good point, but no. I've been damn careful, from the beginning, not to allow this to happen. I've seen too many times that someone will do a favor for someone else and then use that favor to shamefully manipulate the person or the lendee shows too much deference to the lender. I want neither scenario. I hold this person in a higher regard even than myself, so in my mind the power has always been in their favor.

and just accept that you’re now both in a position where you don’t require financial assistance. Be happy for that. — Possibility

I think that's where I'm going to land on this situation. Thank you.

standards of virtue at bare minimum must be met — Garrett Travers

All the standards in this familial relationship have been met, up until this point. But then it goes back to what you were saying about implicit social contracts. I get it.

I tell you this out of love, my friend. — Garrett Travers

I don't take any of your comments any other way. I appreciate a hard truth. In fact, I require it.

Gratitude is what one expects from a family member. Not reciprocity. — L'éléphant

Thanks for the clarification. Makes a big difference. Not to beat a dead horse or parse words, but I think reciprocity would be included as a way to show gratitude. That's just the way I think I guess.

Are you feeling this way because it is actually about the money but you're in denial? — L'éléphant

No, I'm sure of it. Even if this person paid back every cent, it wouldn't make a difference overall. It would be nice to have the little extra but wouldn't change anything in my situation.

Let's say he never got the windfall, but he also never thanked you, and never showed up for your birthday, your most important occasion, or for your funeral. How do you feel now? Would you be as bitter? — L'éléphant

I hope I haven't come across as bitter. I'm really not, just trying to understand what might be the reason, or thought process, of the person.

Very common occurrence. — L'éléphant

I've thought about this a lot. I've witnessed many occasions where people treat their friends way better than their own family. Things people do to their family that they would never do to their friends. It's like social acceptance is more important to them than familial bonds. Of course, there are things that happen with families behind closed doors that drive that behavior.

If you actually did make the right move then there doesn't seem to be any need to dwell on this dilemma — Average

And that goes back to my initial conclusion. Thank you for your thoughts.

Why should reciprocation be expected, is he your property or something? — Garrett Travers

I don't think there's much to say about why reciprocity is good. I do something good for you, then you do something good for me and we both benefit. It also builds trust, agreeableness and forms a bond that is mutually beneficial over the long term. This is, if both are playing by the same rules.

If you didn't have expectation, you wouldn't feeling expectation now. — Garrett Travers

Maybe I'm naïve, but it seems to me that it would be a "normal" person's inclination to reciprocate. Keep in mind, I'm not talking about a stranger or random charity.

your value of yourself requires the recognition of appreciation from someone else in that case — Garrett Travers

No, I just think it's not unusual to believe that someone you know would be nice to you after you've been nice to them.

his reciprocity bias had become neutral — L'éléphant

In fact, it is a family member, which is I guess is why I'm having the difficulty. If it weren't family, I would also have said they're an asshole and cut them out. I've been in the situation with non-family members before and had no qualms about it. Interesting point about reciprocity bias and my enabling but I can't shake the feeling that, now that this person has the means, that reciprocity would at least enter the person's mind and then act on it. How could it not, is the question I ask myself.

The windfall he got, that's never your money, so there was never a loss there either. — L'éléphant

Agreed. But to me it is not about the money. I guess I have a misunderstanding about basic human nature, but then again money tends to change people not matter how exemplary their previous behavior.

Stop seeing or talking to that person. — L'éléphant

If they weren't family I would. I don't want to be the cause of a rift or tension in the family. I don't want that in my life even if I found it justifiable.

Thanks for the reply, it gives me some things to chew on.

Forgive me for asking but why do you feel bad about having some resentment towards this person? — Average

That's a great question. Probably because that's a negative emotion that I don't want to feel for that person, or any other person for that matter. I try to keep my emotions on an even keel which is probably why I over-analyze emotional situations. I have great respect for this person and I suppose the thought that they could do something that would tarnish that makes me feel I've misjudged the person which calls into question my ability to evaluate. Perhaps.

But what I think you're saying is that's it is okay to feel some amount of resentment for somebody that has "wronged" me. It occurs to me that it is completely natural to have that feeling. I just want to process it in a way that brings closure where I don't think about it anymore. I think it's better for my well-being to give this person grace, mercy, and forgiveness.

Would you agree that behavior is influenced by factors like culture? In other words isn't the behavior of an individual connected to what they believe about the world? In my mind some people are more likely to behave in certain ways due to their understanding of reality which is shaped by their environment and upbringing to some degree. I guess this is the nature versus nurture concept. — Average

Couldn't agree more. Reality fascinates me. Objective vs. subjective. We can never peer into someone's mind to see what their reality is. Even in an objective situation, reality is unique to the individual and can vary greatly. In nature vs. nurture, I believe nurture is the stronger force. Fascinating topic.

I was thinking of it in terms of your well-being. Stoic advice would be to act (bring up reciprocation with the subject of your generosity) or put it out of your mind because continuing to ruminate will only do you harm. — praxis

Sorry, I meant to reply to your second comment as well. I agree with you completely. It's not good for my well-being to dwell on it. It's just my nature to try to understand, or make some sense of, behavior that, in my mind, should be intrinsic in otherwise "normal" people but which isn't. Therein lies the vagaries of human nature I suppose. I chock a lot of thing up to "human nature" but I guess because it personal this time that I'm having difficulty.

Thanks for the new perspective.

What exactly do you have in mind when you mention human nature? My understanding of human history is dominated by warfare. — Average

I guess I'm speaking of human nature very generally on a personal level. If we're at the bar and I buy you a beer, you buy me one a little later on. That kind of thing.

Bringing up the subject of reciprocation, a good relationship should be able to handle it, or if you decide not to then put it out of your mind because continuing to think about it is only causing you stress. — praxis

But doesn't a good relationship also include reciprocity? That's where I'm having difficulty.

Do you think that you made the right decision when you chose to help them or do you regret it? — Average

Definitely don't regret it. Not in the least. It was absolutely the right decision, every time. It just seems to me, generally speaking, that it's human nature to want to return kindness with kindness and the fact that's not happening in my situation is blowing my mind.

And, in saying this, I'm setting up where I will be coming from, which is not a materialistic view of the Universe (and ultimately Us) springing up autonomously and evolving unaided. — Joe Mello

My view is similar. Materialism only takes us so far. Not considering other possibilities seems to me to be generally unphilosophical.

He's a many worlds proponent. Simply put, many worlds posits that is the explanation of our universe.

I see the problem as being dependent on technology for survival. We're one direct hit from a coronal mass ejection away from being flung back into the stone age.

Having to create an infinitum of universes to explain our one universe is suspect.

Change is a property of time. No time, no change.

When they hit the ball right a machine gives them a food pellet — ernest meyer

So were they really "playing" pong then? Or did they just figure out how to get food? I don't think they were "playing" pong in the same sense as if you and I played pong.

I say no. Because I wouldn't want anyone to feel guilty. Life is hard enough already. You just do what you have to do. — TaySan

I tend to agree. Especially if doing the right thing has the potential of harming other uninvolved parties. I'm okay bearing the burden but not quite so okay for uninvited repercussions to affect someone else.

do you think that this version of masculinity has a place in the modern world? — BigThoughtDropper

Sure do, I would dare say most women are attracted to masculinity as you described it.

I have a couple problems with the multiverse.

First is in the way it's presented. For the multiverse to be true, then everything that can happen will happen. It's presented very benignly. For instance in this universe you wore a blue shirt today but in another you wore a red shirt and in yet another you wore a green one. That's all fine and good until you realize that in one universe you were a serial killer and in another you strangled your family to death with your bare hands and in yet another you are a child molester.

Second is that there has to be an infinitum of universes just to explain our one universe.

It's a fun theory I guess but not very attractive.

The second paragraph just sounds like procrastination to me, something I've very familiar with.

Often people will settle on a position on morality after reviewing, to the best of their ability, a range of established positions. — Tom Storm

So it sounds like it depends on which, or a mix of, brand of Philosophy that the individual settles on. A mix a philosophy sounds like it will often lead to inconsistency which I find unsatisfying.

But doesn't being a good person already prove that you're a good person? Trying to prove it seems redundant. I guess that's the whole point of the quote.

The motivation to do the right thing must come from his own conscience. — NOS4A2

As others have pointed out, a lot is situational and relative. Without specifics, it's hard to say. — James Riley

Philosophy can provide you with many contradictory schools and approaches. — Tom Storm

Thank you all for your responses. I was trying to get Philosophy's position on the issue. What I'm understanding now is that Philosophy has no distinct position on the issue but rather is up to the individual to determine based on his own philosophical principles.

The "fairness is overrated" remark speaks to conscience. My question is, how long can someone go before their conscience can no longer be ignored?

Thank you Tom. I was purposely being non-specific because I didn't want to believe that doing the right thing is situational. So is it true in Philosophy that doing the right thing can be situational?

That's a very good question. Thank you.

I think I should have phrased the question differently.

My revised question:

If someone is forced to participate in a corrupt system, is that person obligated to do the right thing?